A Sword, A Bat, And Dr N O'balls
by Kyonae Falcona
Summary: A Fic by Artrenia Lynn and Kyonae Falcona! Rated PG-13 for slight swearing. We are normally good writers, and this was a spontaneous piece due to too many pixie sticks. FF8 does not belong to us, but these chainsaws do...* grins evilly*


Kyonae and Artrenia are simply talking when Kyonae randomly pulls out a sword and starts whacking at a tree. Artrenia then shouts, "Save a tree, beat Kyonae!"  
  
Artrenia: *pulls out her bat.*  
  
Kyonae: 'Cause she has rabies, and she does not like people who slap swords out of her hands.'  
  
Kyonae: Ack!  
  
Artrenia: *begins to walk towards Kyonae, the bat held out to her left.* Here Nicky, Nicky, Nicky.  
  
Kyonae: Hiss! Not the bat! *foaming at mouth*  
  
Kyonae: Arrrghh....growl...meow.  
  
Artrenia: *in one fluid motion, she ducks from the flying spitty foam before righting herself and swinging the bat at Kyonae's head from the left side.*  
  
Kyonae: You try and trick me!  
  
Kyonae: Clunk!  
  
Kyonae: Ow! Holy S*$t!!!  
  
Kyonae: God D$#@it!  
  
Artrenia: *randomly begins to hit the bat at various sides of Kyonae's head.*  
  
Kyonae: Ow...*fall unconcsious*  
  
Kyonae: You can stop hitting me now...bleh.  
  
Artrenia: *watches the spitty foam covered Kyonae twitch, tossing the bat aside.* I win!  
  
Kyonae: Yes...win...now...hospital...doctor...owchies...*pupils refuse to dilate*  
  
Artrenia: Hmm... *picks up the bat again and beats it over Seifer's head before stealing a Hi-Potion, tossing it at Kyonae.*  
  
Artrenia: There.  
  
Kyonae: Thanks...hey, what the hell'd you do to Seifer!  
  
Kyonae: No!  
  
Artrenia: I think Seifer's dead...  
  
Kyonae: *runs over to his mangled, beaten, but still incredibly hot figure  
  
Artrenia: *laughs a bit.* Aye...  
  
Kyonae: Seify? You okay?  
  
Artrenia: *Seifer twitches.*  
  
Seifer: mmmm....no cheese crunchies...that goat stole my pants...  
  
Kyonae: ???  
  
Seifer: *blood begins to gush from Seifer's ear and his brain pops out.*  
  
Kyonae: Eww.  
  
Artrenia: Put it back in!  
  
Artrenia: You have a minute.  
  
Kyonae: Not so cute looking anymore.  
  
Kyonae: Okay! In you get! *picks up brain and pops it back in.* Seifer: Ugh...what the hell...? *Seifer sits up and rips off his mask, revealing it is really Rinoa.*  
  
Kyonae: Aaaaaah!  
  
Kyonae: No wonder the brain was so small!  
  
Kyonae: Take it out! Take it out!  
  
Rinoa: I ate Seifer and ripped his face off. Doesn't it look real?  
  
Kyonae: Artrenia, gimme the sword back, please...*grins evilly, begins to foam form mouth*  
  
Artrenia: Hmm... *cautiously picks up her bat and the sword, tossing the sword to Kyonae.*  
  
Kyonae: Thankies.  
  
Kyonae: Advances towards rinoa*  
  
Kyonae: Veni, veni, venias, Ve ne mori facias...  
  
Kyonae: Rinoa: Uh...what...like...what are you doing?  
  
Kyonae: DIE DEVILSPAWN BITCH!  
  
Kyonae: *shoves the sword down her throat and out her ass and splits her in half* Seifer: *Seifer comes tumbling out, half digested and...um...faceless.*  
  
Artrenia: Awe...  
  
Artrenia: Yuck...  
  
Kyonae: Seifer, drink this while I try and hot glue this back on! *hands him aMega Potion(he really needs it)  
  
Artrenia: He looks icky.  
  
Kyonae: *tries to hot glue face back on*  
  
Artrenia: How can he drink it without a face?  
  
Seifer: I look icky, and I feel like crap, thank you very much. Thanks Kyonae.*takes a swig*  
  
Artrenia: You look like crap, too.  
  
SeiferI still have a mouth...I just dont have lips or anything.  
  
Artrenia: A big gaping hole... Eww... Seifer's icky.  
  
Seifer: Thank you*Seifer rolls eyes*  
  
Artrenia: *labels him icky to all girls and sics Squall on his ass.*  
  
Kyonae: Well he's still the hottest guy alive! *huggles Seifer*  
  
Kyonae: Back Squall! Or do you wish to share your girlfriend's fate? *points at Rinoa's split up body*  
  
Artrenia: Let him share it anyway.  
  
Squall: What? Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend? Or at least, she wasn't.  
  
Kyonae: Huh?  
  
Kyonae: Squall: I'm going out with Irivne.  
  
Kyonae: *shocked.*  
  
Kyonae: O....kay.  
  
Artrenia: Hmm... That was unexpected.  
  
Kyonae: Alrighty then! Back off, or I'll kill Irvine!  
  
Squall:NO!  
  
Kyonae: Well, not really...I like Irvine. I'll just sic Chris on your ass. He hates you.  
  
Artrenia: *sneaks up quietly behind Squall, bat raised.*  
  
Kyonae: Oh, yeah...um*trying to distract him* and uh, then I'll go out with Irivne...  
  
Kyonae: Squall:Oh you are just asking for it, bitch!  
  
Kyonae: No, you are!  
  
Squall:You are!  
  
Artrenia: *slams the bat down on Squall's unsuspecting head before hitting it randomly until he falls to the ground.*  
  
Kyonae: Told you so.  
  
Squall:You---ack! Ow! Ah!" *dies*  
  
Kyonae: Good job, my friend!  
  
Artrenia: *suddenly, a pack of big rats run over, eat half of Squall and carry the other half away.* Irvine: Oh my god, they killed Squall!  
  
Cartman: You bastards!  
  
Kyonae: Yay! I mean...we all feel your loss, Irvy. Sorry, but he HAD to die. *huggles Irvine*  
  
Irvine: *Irvine suddenly turns straight again, realizing his mistake with Squall.*  
  
Irvine:*looking at Ichi and Kyonae*Hey there ladies. Lookin' good.  
  
Kyonae: Uh...don't you remember...you're going out with squall?  
  
Irvine:I...did? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! *starts screaming like a little girl*  
  
Artrenia: No... You didn't... All a bad dream, Irvy. You're going out with Kyonae, just like Seifer.  
  
Seifer: Oh no he's not!  
  
Irvine: Oh yes I am!  
  
Seifer: She's mine!  
  
Artrenia: Careful... They might rip you in half.  
  
Irvine: *cringes.*  
  
Kyonae: Kyonae: Yeah, so go to Selphie to relieve your sexual urges! I'm with Seifer  
  
Irvine:But....he's doesn't even have a face.  
  
Artrenia: Or a penis... Rinoa ate that, too.  
  
Kyonae: Really?*looks at seifer, huggles him* You poor thing!  
  
Seifer*sobs* I'm practically a GIRL!  
  
Artrenia: Actually, after that operation Rinoa preformed...  
  
Kyonae: Let me see...*digs through Rinao's slightly decaying carcass* Ah! here it is! Get some ice!  
  
Artrenia: *pulls out a wrapped box of makeup.* Merry Christmas, Seiferina.  
  
Seifer:Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  
  
Artrenia: *pulls out a box of ice.* Here.  
  
Kyonae: Thankies: *puts in ice* to the hospital! Seifer: Don't you mean infirmary?  
  
Kyonae: Hell no! Kadowaki'd throw up, if she saw this...she'd just be too jealous.*grins*  
  
Artrenia: Of how he's more girl than her now?  
  
Kyonae: Ya. And this...*opens box*  
  
Seifer:Hey! Don't be flashing that around!  
  
Artrenia: Hmm... Can I poke it with a stick?  
  
Seifer:Hm...  
  
Kyonae: Kyonae:Ya, please!  
  
Kyonae: Seifer:Hmm...okay!  
  
Artrenia: Too willing... Never mind.  
  
Kyonae: Awww...nuts.  
  
Seifer:Exactly.  
  
Artrenia: You're missing those, too.  
  
Kyonae: Oh yeah...just a sec..  
  
Kyonae: *digs through carcass*  
  
Kyonae: Oh look!  
  
Kyonae: Here they are! Stuck in her throat!  
  
Kyonae: Hmm...I wonder...  
  
Seifer:Dont' look at me.  
  
Artrenia: Rinoa killed him, raped him, and ate his balls.  
  
Artrenia: Poor guy.  
  
Kyonae: Yeah. *huggles seifer*  
  
Artrenia: To the hospital!  
  
Kyonae: Yes!  
  
Kyonae: You will have your manhood back soon, Seifer!  
  
Seifer:Yeah!  
  
Artrenia: And maybe even your face!  
  
Artrenia: The nose fell off...  
  
Kyonae: Yeah, that'd be nice...  
  
Kyonae: Eww...  
  
Kyonae: Plastic surgery can take care of that.  
  
Artrenia: And here we are!  
  
Kyonae: Yay!  
  
Kyonae: Dr. N. O'Balls, at your service.  
  
Artrenia: Mr. No Balls, we need his balls attached.  
  
Kyonae: And his , um...dick.  
  
Kyonae: Okie dokie! *Slaps gloves on* I'm sterile!  
  
Kyonae: Of course you are.  
  
Artrenia: Hmm...  
  
Seifer: I'm scared...  
  
Artrenia: That must suck.  
  
Artrenia: Be afraid! Be very afraid...  
  
Kyonae: Don't be afriad!*slaps duct tape over Ichi's mouth* *puts little laughing gas thingy on Seifer* Now, count backwards from one hundred...  
  
Kyonae: I'll be right here...watching...eh, hehe...eww...  
  
Artrenia: Mmmf... Mmmffmm... *rips the tape off.* AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Kyonae: Seifer: Ninety ni...zzzzzzzzz...  
  
Kyonae: Dr.N. O'balls: Alrighty zen! Sahll ve perform ze operation?!  
  
Kyonae: Huh?  
  
Dr.N. O'balls: *rips off mask* Haha! I am actually...Dr. Odine!  
  
Artrenia: *sneaks up to Mr. No Balls and whispers, "And he wants a set of double D's there... And a new nose on his right shoulder..."*  
  
Kyonae*slaps forehead*  
  
Kyonae: Don't tell Odine that!  
  
Artrenia: And a second foot...  
  
Artrenia: Or should I say third? Put that on his left butt cheek.  
  
Dr.Odine(with still no balls):Okie dokies! Double-D's, nose on the shoulder and a third foot! On the lefty!  
  
Dr. Odine: Gotcha!  
  
Artrenia: Good! Stick to it.  
  
Kyonae: No!!!*covers Seifer with body* You shall not touch him! I'm a psycho!  
  
Artrenia: And strap her to the wall while you're at it.  
  
Dr.Odine: Okies! *claps hands* Hans! Jans! Phil!  
  
*Three sturdily built henchmen appear*  
  
Dr.Odine:strap her to ze vall!  
  
*all three* Okies! *straps Kyonae to the wall*  
  
Artrenia: Mwahaha!!!  
  
Kyonae: Nooooo!!! Seifer!!!!  
  
Artrenia: So, Odine... Think I could be an evil doc?  
  
Kyonae: You'll not get away with this!  
  
Artrenia: And gag her!  
  
Dr.Odine:*ignoring Kyonae's screams* Of course! All you need iz a diploma thingy in being abzolutely inzane! Here you go!*gives her a diploma*  
  
Artrenia: Cool... *pauses for a photo shoot.*  
  
Kyonae: *getting really really mad*  
  
Artrenia: Now I'm Dr. Ichi Ni.  
  
Kyonae: You'll both perish!!!  
  
Kyonae: Ahhhh...*eyes start glowing*  
  
Dr.Odine: Huh?  
  
Artrenia: Hmm...  
  
Artrenia: Close her eyes and tape them shut!  
  
Kyonae: *runs Odine through with a big icicle!*  
  
Artrenia: *finds Odine completed the boob job and extra foot in time.* Awe...  
  
Artrenia: What? No nose?  
  
Odine: Ow!!!*looks down at gaping wound* Little bitch! Zat really hurt, dammit!  
  
Artrenia: Here. *hands him a Mega Potion.*  
  
Dr. Odine: Zanks!  
  
Kyonae:*drained* Dammit...damn it all...  
  
Kyonae: Seifer, wake up...please...  
  
Kyonae: *Seifer's still knocked out*  
  
Kyonae: ....  
  
Kyonae: This really sucks.*sweatdrop*  
  
Artrenia: He's got a lovely bunch of coconuts, didi lee didi.  
  
Kyonae: God...actually, Artrenia, those breast implants look good on him. How'd you do it, Odine?  
  
Artrenia: *blinks a few times.*  
  
Odine: uh....  
  
Artrenia: It's a trick!  
  
Kyonae: Oh, cool.  
  
Odine: Ya! I practiced on myzelf. Zee?*opens coat*  
  
Kyonae:Aaaagh! The light! It burns!  
  
Artrenia: Gee... That's...  
  
Artrenia: Amazing, Dr. No Balls! How'd you think of it?  
  
Odine: Ah, a little family zecret...  
  
Artrenia: Which is?  
  
Odine: Za...Ze ze zing with ze breasts. Family zecret. Shush.  
  
Artrenia: Ze?  
  
Artrenia: Ze zano zoob za za.  
  
Kyonae: Huh?  
  
Artrenia: Didn't make any sense to me either.  
  
Artrenia: How sad.  
  
*Seifer wakes up.*  
  
Kyonae: Seifer!  
  
Seifer:Huh...what...Kyonae, why are you tied to the wall...  
  
Seifer: OMG!  
  
Seifer: Aaaah!  
  
Seifer: I have...I have....  
  
Seifer looks down and smiles* I have boobs!  
  
Artrenia: See? I knew he'd like it.  
  
Kyonae: They're actually a good improvement. Thanks, Odine!  
  
Seifer: But...I have a second nose, too...and another foot...waaah!  
  
Artrenia: That's all right...  
  
Artrenia: At least you have a nose now.  
  
Kyonae: Hey yeah.  
  
Artrenia: Let's all go home and celebrate.  
  
Seifer: But I really don't like this foot.  
  
Artrenia: Easier to sit.  
  
Odine: Well, then let's take it off! * starts up chjainsaw*  
  
Artrenia: Think of it as a plug to keep Squall out.  
  
Seifer*squirms* ah...I'll keep it, thanks.  
  
Kyonae: At least you have your manly stuff back.  
  
Kyonae: And yes, that horny Squall will never hurt you again.  
  
Seifer: Again...? What are you talkin--  
  
Kyonae: Okay then! Who wants Chinese?  
  
Artrenia: Me!  
  
Odine: I want lo mein noodles!  
  
Seifer: I'd like some shrimp toast  
  
Koynae: O...kay: Let's go!  
  
Artrenia: Fried rice for me.  
  
Kyonae: Okies, fried rice, shrimp toast, lo mein noodles, and me...I just want a fortune cookie.:-P  
  
Kyonae: And some duck sauce.  
  
Artrenia: How hungry we are.  
  
Artrenia: Well, let's go.  
  
Kyonae: K! *Huggles Seifer*  
  
Odine:I'll drive!!!  
  
Everyone: NOOO!!! 


End file.
